|
|
|
RELIGIOUS JOKES
|
Submit jokes and humor
shorts of all types: » Learn more
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer
is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to the synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years
of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.
But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog.
Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you boys doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.
So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
John met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening at a meeting they're hitting the Guinness pretty good and lay bets as to who can give the best toast.
John hoists his beer glass: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovin' wife!"
That wins him top honors. He goes home and tells his wife Mary: "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She says: "Really, and what was your toast?"
John recites: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John," Mary says.
The next day Mary runs into one of John's buddies on the street.
With a chuckle, the man leers: "John won last night's prize with a toast about you Mary."
"Yes," she says. "And I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
|
![]() |
|
|
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money
to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months, everyone gave.
Joe and David are walking from religious service. Joe wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
David replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So Joe goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Joe goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
David says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so David goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
«Previous | Next»
|
|
|
|
|
