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RELATIONSHIP JOKES
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Submit jokes and humor
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This guy is making out with his new girl friend when she suddenly asks,
“You haven’t got AIDS have you?”
"ME," he replies, “I sure don't”
She responds, “Oh, thank god for that! I don’t want to ever get that again!”
A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s
place instead.
Her friend lives quite a few miles out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get
naked for him while he drove her there. The guy agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes.
The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car into a pole, and gets
stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.
He tells her to go get help
and she replied that she couldn’t because she had no clothes on.
He replies,
“Take my shoe, cover your snatch with it, and go for help now!”
She takes the shoe and runs to a near-by gas station where she finds a tall male clerk standing behing the counter.
“Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?” she yells.
The clerk replies,
“I’m sorry, I think he’s too far in.”
I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female,
and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional
– I’ve seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”
I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
Women cook, Men eat.
Women clean, Men dirty.
Women iron, Men wrinkle!
A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about"
something you both have in common.
The husband says... “Well, neither of us will even lick a penis.”
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 It's not my fault, I can explain.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that,
I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that
as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
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"Dad," said the newly licensed teen to his father, "I need to borrow your car."
"Son, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible more and get a haircut and then ask me again."
A few weeks passed and the boy asked again.
"Son," his father said, "I'm proud of the progress you've made.
You brought your grades up and studied the Bible more, but your hair is even longer than it was before."
"Well, Dad, here's what I've learned from the Bible: Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, son, that's true. And everywhere they went, they walked!"
An American woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.
The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore.
If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"
The Italian woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother
or cook for himself.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."
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