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A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.
"What have you got there?" The bartender asks.
The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano.
He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.
"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe."
Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly.
The bartender is very much impressed. "My god!" he says. "Where did you find him?"
"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."
"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.
"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."
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A couple in their 40's are in bed, sound asleep, when they hear a knock at the door. The husband goes downstairs to find out who is there.
At the door a drunk man is standing in the pouring rain. "H-hey bud-buddy, ya reckon you could give ush a pussshhhh?"
The man screams at the top of his lungs: "WHAT, YOU ARE INSANE!? You come to my house at 2 in the morning, it is raining and you want me to give you a push?! No sir, I bid you good night!"
The man slams the door in the drunk's face and hastily climbs back up the stairs. He crawls into bed and his wife asks who it was. "It was a drunk man wanting a push"
His wife sits up and turns the bedside light on. "And you didn't give him one?"
"No", says the man.
"What if it was you out in the rain at 2am? We are the only house around for 40 miles and you just want him to wallow around in the rain all night? You get down there and you help that man!"
So the husband walks down the stairs, puts his boots and raincoat on, and steps outside into the rain. "Hello? You still there?"
"Yeahhhh" came the reply
"Where are ya?"
"over here, I'm on the swing!"
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