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A U.S army ranger stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and help keep his mind off of the local women.
The wife complied with his wish and sent him the best harmonica she could find, along with several dozen
lesson and music books.
Rotated back home after his long three year tour of duty, The army ranger rushed to their home. "Oh my sweet darling" he gushed when he saw his wife, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you!
Let's wine and dine out at the best restaurant in town, then return here and make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, pushing away from him said: "That sounds really nice honey... but first, let's hear how well you play a few songs on that harmonica."
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An Alabama man named Clyde got drunk and died in a fire set in his home from a cigarette. He had burns over 90% of his body
so the morgue needed someone who knew him well, to help identify the body. The local sheriff asked Clyde's two best friends,
Clem and Zeke, to report to the mortician at the morgue and see if the body was indeed that of Clyde's.
Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, " Yup, he's burnt real bad, but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to help identify him."
So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, that ain't Clyde."
The mortician had thought that Clem's request was a little odd, but he
proceeded without questioning farther, so he brought in Zeke to help identify the body.
After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, but roll him over so
I can be sure."
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it sure ain't Clyde."
Frustrated, the mortician asked, " You both had me roll him over, what were you looking for?"
Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO assholes?"
"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes."
"How did everybody know that?" the mortician asked.
" Well Ever time we went to town," Clem replied, " all the folks there would say,
here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes! "
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